Lost In You
by RoseWalker
Summary: The dark inner thoughts of Jack's mind. Song fic. More Torchwood to be honest than Who.


Title: Lost In You

Fandom: Torchwood/ Doctor Who

Disclaimer: I don't own Torchwood or Doctor Who, darn it all. They belong to The BBC and Russell T. Davis. But if David Tennant or John Barrowman become available I'll be waiting! The song 'Away From Me' belongs to Evenescence.

Pairings: None as such but it depends what you can read into it.

Notes: This song has been begging me to write something to it for ages. It just screamed Jack to me so hence this fic. It's not particularly long but hopefully it gives an insight into what Jack could be thinking.

Please review it. My Demons are bugging me. They need reviews to feast upon for inspiration. Please feed them so I can write more stuff. Flames will be danced on.

Summary: An insight into Jack's state of mind.

**I hold my breath as this life starts to take its toll  
I hide behind a smile as this perfect plan unfolds  
But oh, God, I feel I've been lied to  
Lost all faith in the things I have achieved  
And I  
**

Too much. It's all too much. Not knowing. Constantly looking forward. Placing one foot in front of the other. Holding my breath as once more they come close to finding the answer. I let it go again when they loose track.

My name is Jack Harkness. Ex- time agent. Ex- travelling companion. Head of Torchwood Cardiff. 21st century Earth. Preparing the human race for what is going to happen. Oh and also I'm dead.

Yeah you heard me. Alright, I died and I came back to life. Again, again, and again. Actually I've lost count how many times I've 'died'. It's starting to take its toll. There's only so much a guy can take.

But I smile. The Harkness grin. It keeps my team happy, it gets anyone I want into my bed and it hides my secrets. It means nothing. It's just a mask to hide all the pain, the anger and the- nothingness.

Everyday it becomes harder to 'live'. But I cannot die. I can't even be happy about the lives I have saved or the people I've helped.

It was never meant to be like this. I was supposed to die.

**  
I've woken now to find myself  
In the shadows of all I have created  
I'm longing to be lost in you  
(away from this place I have made)  
Won't you take me away from me  
**

Another night of nightmare filled sleep. Another day filled with lies and deceit. I'm a shadow of the man I once was. Everything I once was, hangs over me casting me into darkness. The two years of lost memories hangs over me the worst. Even the times that were happier have their share of shadows.

It's his fault.

The Doctor.

The mysterious traveller who I long for like a man needing water in the desert.

I need him. To be with him. Loose myself in him. He was everything I wanted to be. Him and his TARDIS, travelling through space and time on a whim. To have that freedom. To be able to escape. I crave it more than anything.

Doctor. Take me away from this place. Set me free once more. Heal my wings that I clipped and help me soar. Take me away from myself.

**  
Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins  
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed  
I can't go on like this  
I loathe all I've become  
**

I can no longer walk like the bold, self confident man I was. I'm not him anymore. I'm an unnatural creature, diseased and shameful. I should not even exist. I cannot even look at myself in the mirror anymore without hating myself. My own reflection repulses me.

I am not Captain Jack Harkness. I don't even know what I am anymore. Am I even human? What am I? What is this thing I have become?

I hate it. I hate me.

I wonder if they realise. My team. Ianto, Gwen, Tosh, Owen. I wonder if they understand. They can't, I know. I won't let them. They're guessing. They find clues. They know I can't die. But they can't understand.

Ianto. Poor Ianto. I pity him. He lost a loved one and fell on me. I can't give him what he needs. I can't love him. I can't love myself.

**  
I've woken now to find myself  
In the shadows of all I have created  
I'm longing to be lost in you  
(away from this place I have made)  
Won't you take me away from me  
**

You can tell me why, how, what. I know you can. You hold the knowledge of the universe in that head of yours. You are the only one who would understand.

Free me from my shadows. Help me breath again. I long for your knowledge, your presence… your smile.

**  
Lost in a dying world I reach for something more  
I have grown so weary of this lie I live  
**

This world holds no joy for me anymore. There is no life within it that I treasure. It is dying away as I carry on living. There must be something more to it, something more to me.

I cannot take it anymore. I treasured life when I had it. I hate it now that I can't get rid of it. Immortality is a lonely road. Knowing everyone around you is slowly dying and you have to live on. That's more tiring than anything I've ever known. I constantly live a lie… if you can call it living.

**  
I've woken now to find myself  
In the shadows of all I have created  
I'm longing to be lost in you  
I  
I have woken now to find myself  
I'm lost in shadows of my own  
I'm longing to be lost in you  
**

Come and get me. I am here waiting for you. Release me from my anguish. Release me from my pain. Release me…

I need you Doctor. Like I have never needed anyone. I'm lost. I'm lost without you. Come, find me.

Take me…

**Away from me**


End file.
